Letters to my Inner Demons - I

Dear Agony,

And so we meet again, in our secret hollow in the darkness of this quiet night. I know you have been waiting for this, I saw the impatience in the way you lingered around me as I moved through the motions of the day, I saw you wince when I smiled, I saw your anger when I laughed, I knew you thought I'd forgotten you, but how could I, aren't you and I one? Aren't we two sides of the same coin? Am I not the reflection you see when you peer at the crystal surface of the river?

Indeed I am more you than I am me, indeed I exist more in you than I ever could in me, how could you ever doubt me? I could try, but I know I'd fail to exist aside from you, without you the glitch in my existence would be so great that nothing else could fill it. You are the path that brought me here.

I know that I don't visit often and you think that I am moving on, but I can hardly leave you behind. Never let this current state of mine let you think that I don't love you, that I have forgotten. There is nothing else if not you.  This, all of it, can't have come to be, had it not been for you, my love, my one true bit.  Never forget that. Never doubt the power you have.

I love you, I always have, always will.

Forever  Yours,

Me

While You Slept...

The wind came in through the window

...to tell you stories of knights and dragons and of battles won and lost. Of the fair elves and their pretty maidens singing sweet songs that made flowers bloom and gardens blossom. They sang of river banks and butterflies and of an eternal spring. Of the wisdom of the majestic dragons and their gem encrusted lairs with all their grandeur and glory. Of the stately dwarfs and their mastery with mining stone and the magnificent structuring towering over the tallest of giants.
Of a time gone by and a time still to come, of worlds still to be discovered. It fueled your dreams. It stayed till the sun rose again and left you a present of dew on the window sill...

It watched you over while you slept!

The Abyss and I

 

The biggest decisions in my life have come in moments that may have otherwise have been forgotten because of their insignificance in terms of time and space but that decision of mine, made in that particulate moment, gave it a special quality.

But that day something was different, I was standing there, staring out of the window, at the black nothingness ahead of me, stretching as far as my eye could go, an abyss that was soothing my soul, I was willing myself to make a decision, a humungous one. The decision had to be a conscious one, so standing there, staring at the dark abyss seemed like the perfect kind of setting for the decision that I wanted to make.

I was staring into the darkness letting my thoughts wander, as I tried to gather the strength to do what must be done, sometime during this, I felt it, that feeling that I was being watched, a pair of eyes boring on me, almost burning two holes in my soul, I looked around me and saw nothing but the darkness, the abyss, my abyss, that I had been staring at for God knows how long?!

 

 

The idea that someone was privy to my current state, to put it mildly, disturbed me, because I am not someone used to being seen in an emotional state. I looked around again and found myself seemingly alone again, but still the feeling didn't go away. I looked for explanations and was lost in thought until it hit me, the abyss, my abyss, the abyss I had been staring at was staring back at me! Just as this thought hit me, it said "And she finally has figured it out - Bravo girl" in a voice verging on bored.

Yes! The abyss was talking to me, and not only talking it was being sarcastic. This unbelievably insane thought made me laugh out and think that I had finally done it, finally lost my mind and that just made me laugh harder. And then I felt it's emotions shift, it felt impatient, "Oh! So now you have feelings too! “I was bent down now, hands over knees, doubling over with laughter now! Let me explain here that there was nothing, I repeat, nothing, even remotely funny about an abyss that, apparently, stares, talks and feels bored, but I am someone who laughs when she is nervous, and a bored abyss is a pretty good cause for nervousness, so here I was giggling away like a 15 year old school girl.

Finally the abyss said "Are you done yet? Can we move on?"

 

 

"On?!" I said,

 

"Yes, to the core of your problem, or have you been standing here boring me by staring at me for no good reason?"
"Oh! my problem, that’s simple enough, I need to make a conscious decision, and I was standing here gathering strength to do that"

 

"Running away are we?"

"No, actually, returning back to life, ending miserable confinement that I had put myself into."
"Interesting, what’s the holdup then?"

 

"I'm afraid"

 

"Afraid? You have been standing here, in utter darkness for quite a while now and now you are talking to an abyss, an abyss that stares, talks and feels" He chuckled "And then you say you're afraid? Afraid of what child?"

 

"Afraid of the light, afraid of what it holds, afraid if getting lost, afraid to fail again, I am afraid." I said.
"People say that about darkness you know, and yet here you are." he said

 

 

"The dark takes you in, it engulfs you, surrounds you keeps you safe, while light exposes you, it shows your cards to the world, it shows them your weaknesses, and exactly where to strike and bring you down." I said, trying to justify my fears.

"It also shows you the way forward, it doesn't make you stand still at one place, just because you are too afraid to move on, it shows you all the good things out there, it shows you all the people who care, and all the exciting opportunities ahead, you say the dark engulfs you and you feel protected, but tell me this, what about the fact that you never know what dangers the darkness may hold, while the light exposes them, makes them visible to plain sight, makes you see them, warns you already, I can never do that." It replied.

"Oh so now we are defending the rival are we?", it was my turn to be sarcastic now, what kind of a stupid abyss was this anyway, first it stares then it talks and then it goes ahead to defend it's opponent in front of me.
"We do not choose what to be, us, the 'non living' we do not have choices, we just are, whatever we were meant to be, stuck at one constant position, you on the other hand are someone who does have a choice and you are choosing wrong, you are choosing easy, you have the choice honey, choose the difficult, brave the waters, deal with the twist of fate, choose to be strong, if not for anything else, then for the fact that you HAVE a choice, there are many out there that were not given that right, they are just what they were asked to be, nothing more and nothing less, Hell if I was given a choice to I would have chosen to be you, and then I could have lived the way I wanted, accepted challenges, and loved every minute of it."

"Okay, okay I get it, I am going to choose light, I am going to give it a shot, I am going to learn to be more."
"Every day?" He asked
"Yes, Everyday" I said

"So run along then kid, and don't return, it's really hard to fight the temptation to keep you here, but I see it in you, the bravery and valor, you have it in you to be more than just a prisoner of darkness, go be your true self."
"Thank you", I said.

I had started on my way back when a thought struck me and I turned back and said, "Just one thing though, you are sending me back, you are the one who made me take the leap, make my decision, but out there in that sparkly world you like so much those 'children of the light' would never believe me if I told them I talked to an abyss of darkness, they won't ever believe me, so tell me is this real, or is it all just in my head." the abyss hesitated and then said,

 

"Remember kid, your head is the realest place you would ever be at, never forget that, although if I were you, and I had to recount the inspirational story of my return to life, I'd come up with a fictional mystical man, who was such an amazing source of eternal knowledge, that he made you see what you were missing out on and made you believe again, they'd buy that easily enough."

And then we talked no more, I turned around and walked back to the light, with just enough hope to survive, and during that walk I remembered a quote by Frederick Nietzsche, he had once said “When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you.” , and now I believed him

 

 

Lines in the sand

As I lie here in the dark, staring out at the moon that shines in the dark sky, sleepless again, I let the monster out, trying to discover the method to my madness, as I take a walk on the sandy beaches of my mind trying to find my way around, walking barefoot on the soft warm sand as the waves of words, feelings, emotions and even time itself washes over to the shore. The winds whisper long forgotten secrets in my ears, reminding me a lot that once was. It is all serene except for that monster within me which surges in my veins free now that the night has fallen; it controls me it makes me remember...

 

 

*Hello ... Flash ... Goodbye ... Flash ...The Promise Un kept ... Flash ...The Fear ... Flash ...The Truth Mingled With Lies ... Flash ...Warm Food ... Flash ... Sunshine ... Flash... A Whisper....Flash...A Phone call ... Flash ... Pain ... Flash ...The Grass ... Flash ... The Scent of A Body ... Flash ... A Smile...Flash...The Questions ... Flash ... You ... Flash ... Time ... Flash ... Space ... Flash ... Closeness ... Flash ... Wind ... Flash ... A Hand ... Flash ... That Song  ...  Flash ...What The Eyes Saw ... Flash... Running Away... Flash... Finding My Way Back ... Flash ... A Wish ... Flash ... Today ... Flash ... Tomorrow ... Flash ... Forever ... Flash ... Lost ... Flash ... No ... Flash ...Tears ... Flash … Firefly ... Flash ... A Home ... Flash ... The Sea  In Those Eyes ... Flash ... The Moment That Never Ended ... Flash ... No Ordinary Day ... Flash ... A Scrap Of Paper ... Flash ... Rain ... Flash ... Sunshine ... Flash ...That Kiss ... Flash ...Those Texts ... Flash ... A Walk ... Flash ... Sigh ... Flash ... Blue ... Flash ... Purple ... Flash ... Green ... Flash ... Red ... Flash ... Orange ...Flash... Gold ... Flash ... Black ... Flash ... Grey ... Flash ... White ... Flash ... Yellow ... Flash ... Nothing ... Flash ... One Moment ... Flash ... Noise... Flash... Unrest ... Flash ... Heavy Breathing ... Flash ... A Memory ... Flash ... Sickness ... Flash ... Health ... Flash ... A Dream … Flash ... Wakefulness ... Flash ... Nightmares ... Flash ... Water... Flash ...  A Cry … Flash ... Belief... Flash ... Doubt ... Flash ... An Angry God ... Flash ... Anger... Flash ... Wrath ... Flash ...  Screaming ... Flash ...  Running ... Flash ... Tunnel ... Flash ... Darkness … Flash ...The Fall ... Flash ... A Dying Heartbeat ...Thump ...Thump ...Thu ... Silence*

Some of it I gladly take in from other stuff I cringe but as all this happens I keep walking on, into the abyss and another night has passed, with no questions answered, the madness slows down within me, and the monster shrinks and returns to the confinement of the dark room but  the quest will continue again tonight but for now dawn breaks and the day calls on to me in my human form.

 

Us The Invisible

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
                                                                                              ~ Terry Pratchett

The Dark Night and I greet each other as old friends; He is happy to see me and I him, for once again he accepts me the way I am, no pretence, no false laughter and no rules that cannot bend.

We walk arm in arm and we go a long way. All is silent except for the sound of the sea, our only witness.

At last He says 'People fear me’; 'I frighten them too' I reply. We glance at each other a smile playing on each of our lips, a thought on each of our mind.
If only it would look, the world would see how utterly harmless we both are.

We walk a little further and then He sighs and says 'And now my dear we part again, for the dawn has arrived again and the lights appear; So now i have to pretend that I do not exist',
'So do I', I Say with a sad little smile.

And so we part and walk our separate ways, invisible to the world because, Alas! it is blind to all but itself.

 

Oh Autumn...My Love!

So it's that time of the year again...when life would soon start to change color...when winds would start to chill...when leaves would fall to the ground and birds would fly away, shying away from the gold times...the dark times...

This time of the year holds a certain kind of sadness to it....a certain kind of sorrow for the departed...the air reminisces about lost lovers...broken hearts...unsaid words... forgotten promises and unveiled truths... And yet there is something about this time of the year that attracts me to it...it calls on to me...the sadness that exists in the very atmosphere seems magical to me...the winds that hold the echo of what once was draw me towards them...it is this time of the year that finds me playing back all the events of my life over and over again like the reel of a favorite old movie...where every scene is lovingly remembered and yet I yearn to watch it over and over again...

This time finds me peacefully quiet...happy in the solitary confines of my mind...it is a time when long walks are enjoyed in silence...and the pages of a book become my favorite source of warmth...

To those around me I seem to be brooding over lost things...but that is not so...I lovingly reminisce over them...assuring them that they may have been lost....but they certainly have not been forgotten...and once that is done I take those reels of past store them away at the back of my mind again....ready to come back to the present and live here and now...making new memories...and learning new lessons...but only till another autumn beckons me...calls on to me to live the magic once again....to fill my heart with the love I hold for the past and to re-live what once was...for that is the joy of the lovely autumn time...

Silence...

That time...just before the walls crumble and crack and tumble down with mighty sounds of crushed hopes and unfulfilled dreams...and just before the wind gives its mighty war cry, triumphant at finally being able to penetrate those defenses that were never supposed to break, triumphant at finally being able to encompass the soul that those iron clad walls protected and being able to clutch it within its numbing fists at, gnawing at it like a hungry beast...just before the soul lets out its last piercing howl at the torment, the agony of being probed and touched and mercilessly bent and twisted and broken by unfriendly winds.

Just before that time there is a silence in the world...a few seconds of complete and utter soundlessness when the world itself is still...mourning the inexplicably cruel battle that was lost... it mourns the loss of what once was....and what could yet have been...if only the walls didn't break...if only the crack didn't widen...if only...Sigh! if only...

For just a few seconds the world stops and mourns in silence...honoring the soul that was soon to be lost forever...And then it all begins...